Trust Redefined
The reality of relationships is that we will hurt in them. We will be betrayed, unloved, rejected, experience loss and face the reality of helplessness. We work so hard to minimize the impacts of relational injury, but its not a matter of if but when. I know this sounds bleak but the sooner we can face this tender truth the sooner we can learn how to help ourselves in the face of relationship hurt.
Trust in childhood
As children our autonomy and choices are limited, often at the helm of the grownups around us. This greatly limits how we define trust and our options when faced with relational hurt. We learn to give our trust to others, especially adults, and expect them to never hurt, betray, neglect or reject (and the list goes on) us. We have no other option but to hand over our trust and reliance to those around us and our lack of choices and options renders us in a perpetual vulnerable circumstances.
Inevitably we face hurt and when that hurt happens by someone who has close proximity to our life (parent, caregiver, family member, friend) we experience great pain. Without repair it can lead to profound impacts on how we connect and our sense of self. One safeguard is to limit new friendships, connections and partnerships or show them a version of ourself we feel they will accept the most, perfecting our way to safe connection. How could we in good faith allow someone to have access to our authentic parts and be exposed to the potential to be hurt again. We do the best we can to self protect but it can become exhausting. Riddled with the anxiety of what if’s and the isolation of aloneness, the safeguards of distrusting others has it’s limits on our health and wellness.
Trust in Adulthood
As we move into our adult lives we have access to more choice, to leave, to speak up, to walk away, to self protect in the face of unloving action. It’s not always easy but it’s more accessible than before. The experiences in life have proven we can’t expect others to never hurt us. It’s a lot to ask of someone and the pressure it bestows on ourself to never hurt anyone can be just as overwhelming. It doesn’t justify the actions of hurt but it helps us understand the humanness of relationships. Accepting we all hurt and have the capacity to hurt others provides an option that we can be accepting of relationship risks and benefits and hopeful for secure connections.
So as adults with more choice and options, what if instead of trust being something we give away, we kept for our own resources? This is Trust re-defined. Trust that in the face of hurt you can exercise more choices to care for you. We no longer have to surrender our trust to people or even situations. This will look different for each person but for example. a close friend tells someone a secret you asked them not to tell. If you have trust for yourself first you can acknowledge how this action hurt you and then make decisions to care for yourself.
1. what am I feeling: betrayal, anger, hurt
2. what do I need to attend to this feeling/emotion for myself: space, time, expression of feelings, self compassion
3. How can I make that happen right now: tell the other person what I am needing or feeling, go for a walk, affirmations, call a comforting friend
Gifting trust back to you
When younger parts give trust away it can lead to feeling vulnerable and responsible when relationship pain is present. Parts of you may want to quickly react, apologize, minimize your hurt, or take the blame. As adults you don’t own anyone an explanation or carry the responsibility to bring stability to moment. Take some time to process and understand what just happened but you do have a responsibility to care for yourself. If caring for yourself seems overwhelming and challenging, therapy can help offer the support and repair that younger parts of you never received so you can feel more confident trusting your adult self in the face of relationship hurt.
